Stumpy Tries to Branch Out Over the Fence

Last season, he was on a mission. “My goal this year is to win the batting title” he said. Then, he simply went out there and proved he could do it.

Everyone’s favourite leadoff hitter, Stumpy, batted .710 last year to win the Lords and Ladies batting title, with the highest batting average over an eligible amount of plate appearances.

This year, he’s set his sights on the most prestigious title. One held by Mike for at least the last 2 years. Stumpy wants to jack dingers.

“I’ve won the batting title, and now I’m swinging for the fences!” he said to me over the phone on multiple occasions over the off-season, until I just couldn’t take it anymore. I asked him why, even though he’s never hit a ball over the fence during a game, he thought this was an accomplishable goal. What was he thinking?

“What was I thinking? What are you thinking talking to the batting title champion that way?” he said, incredulous. Incredulity soon turned to anger. “Now I have the motivation to hit one out of the park with the picture of your face on the ball!”

After several whacks over the head with the “snot rocket” (the team’s newest bat), he calmed down. “In all seriousness, I believe it comes down to what I call ‘BS’, which, believe it or not, does not stand for ‘bulls**t’, but ‘Bautista Style’.”

It was at this point that he became delirious. “I’ve got the power, and the skill, and I believe I can fix my swing, like Bautista, due to some video highlights taken from last year.”

He rambled on and on and on about how he had no doubts he could hit the ball over the fence (“This should be awesome, get ready for some dingers the BS way”). I soon tired of this drivel.

Mike has been home run champion for the last two years, hitting 5 over the fence each year. (Prior to 2010, numbers are hard to obtain, as statistics were not regularly kept). I asked Stumpy if, given past results, he would abandon his quest to win the title if Mike took an early lead. “What? Are you crazy? Of course not! Plus, Mike is old news. We all know he can hit them over the fence. What people are paying to see is ME trying to hit them over the fence. I know I can. I’ve done it in practice. I will keep trying till the day I quit.”

In 3 seasons, Stumpy has hit 1 ball over the fence in batting practice. I mentioned to him that not only is it free to come watch Lords and Ladies softball games, no one even wants to pay that much. Stumpy mumbled something about lack of advertising, poor location, and general apathy, but soon trailed off.

Stumpy demonstrates his home run swing. This one almost got out of the infield.

Number two in this race over the last two years has been Jeremy. He hasn’t hit any over the fence, but has hit 4 inside-the-park each season. Is Stumpy worried that maybe Jeremy could hit one over the fence before he does? “First of all, that would never happen, have you seen Jeremy hit? The only way I would be humiliated is if it was someone smaller than me”. Informed that he IS the smallest player on the team, he said “What? I’m the smallest on the team? Ok, then I would be humiliated.” Let’s all hope for that, eh?

“Make no mistake, I will achieve this goal. I even have a home run celebration cooked up!”

Such as?

“I’m not going to tell you, I’m gonna show you when I hit one out of the park. Oh, and don’t forget to put this in your write-up: I radiate pure awesome!”

What say you, Lords and Ladies? Hit up the comment section to discuss whether Stumpy has a prayer of even hitting one over the fence, never mind 6 of them.